Two Sly Moves
by WHO on Nov-5-1999

I like to dance. And because I like to dance, I sometimes frequent local bars and dance clubs. During such visits, I have noticed particularly repulsive behavior amongst the male species that I have deduced to be some primitive sort of mating ritual. I will describe said behavior below along with suggestions on how to avoid and/or deal with such bizarre displays of affection…

The Behind-the-Back Cock Grind

A short description:
This happens when a guy sneaks up behind you on the dance floor, grabs your hips with his meaty paws, and proceeds to rub his genitalia against your buttocks.

Why this happens:
This cowardly male is most likely too butt-ugly to approach you head-on. (Without the risk of getting a beverage splashed in his pockmarked-covered face) He believes that if he moves into a position where you can’t see him, he will have sufficient time to cop a few cheap thrills before you turn around and realize you are not yet that drunk. This move insures that his fragile male ego stays intact since he will be getting as much ‘action’ as his less-than-repulsive buddies.

What you can do:
If there is a stage, dance right on the edge. The second he slithers those slimy hands around your waist, step off.

If there is no stage:
Bend over fast and hard. You’ll knock the wind right out of him! And if he’s really skinny (or you’re just really lucky) you can possibly break a rib.

Drastic measures:

The ‘I accidentally touched your tit–whoops’ *grin* method

A short description:
This is when a guy BLATANTLY feels you up, smiles, and then weakly claims that someone bumped him.

Why this happens:
He’s too damn ignorant and/or cheap to realize that a decent man should at least buy you a drink before he gropes you in public–most boobs are at least worth $2.50.

What you can do:
Leave the dance floor immediately. Point him out to random girls and claim that you used to date him until that bastard gave you a STD. News will spread like wildfire and he will have to leave the state before he ever gets laid again.

Drastic measures:
Grab his testicles. Squeeze hard. Smile and say: “Whoops, someone bumped me.”

*Special Note to Men*
Just because a girl is blond and has big boobs doesn’t make her easy


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