Guys I’ve Dated* and Why They Suck
by WHO on Oct-30-1999

Rick

I wanted to experience puppy love so I picked the perfect candidate: a dog. I went out with him for a little over a month before I got the bright idea of introducing him to my trampy best friend. The very first thing he said after he met her (and this is a direct quote) was, “My dick gets soft just THINKING about her!” Ignorant, little twit that I was , I thought that I was secure in the relationship. Imagine my surprise when my ‘friend’ called me up from a payphone to tell me she just got done fucking him underneath a fire escape at a elementary school. When I asked him why he did it, he said someone bet him $5 and a pack of bubble-gum to nail her. When I asked her was she did it she said that she was having a bad day and he was the only one who seemed to want anything to do with her. I got rid of both of the degenerates. As far as I know, Rick is now in jail (Much to his baby’s mother’s dismay) and my ‘friend’ is working in a gas station. Obviously, they are pillars of the community.

Duration of relationship:
About 4 months (It doesn’t take me long to wise up)

Inspirational music:
And he says, oh, that he wants only me
Then I wonder why he sleeps with my friends-Offspring

Daryl

This fuck-up scooped me up off the rebound and I was crazy enough to marry him. Granted, I married him to get away from my psycho mother, but what I didn’t realize is: HE WAS JUST LIKE HER! I stayed with him even though he was physically and emotionally abusive. I didn’t wise up until he knocked up the next-door neighbor. Then I realized that I didn’t want any part of him OR his love child.

Duration of relationship:
We dated for a year; we were married for the longest 3 months of my life.

Inspirational music:
I’ll walk right out into a brand, new day
Insane and rising in my own weird way
I don’t want to be the bad guy
I don’t want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore–Everclear

Tom

I honestly don’t have a single negative thing to say about Tom. We started dating after we graduated high school and our whole relationship rocked. I don’t really know why I wanted to break up with him…but I don’t regret my decision. I do, however, regret how I did it. Things worked out for the best though and I recently learned that Tom got married. I wish him all the happiness in the world. I don’t need to wish the same for his wife, because I know she has it.

Duration of relationship:
1 year

Inspirational music:
I couldn’t tell you
I was happy you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you
When we were apart
I couldn’t tell you
So I had to lead you on
But I didn’t mean to break your heart–BNL

Rob

We would have worked out great if his father hadn’t heard a nasty rumor about me. The rumor wasn’t true, but his father ended up hating me anyway. Rob was too much of a coward to tell him the truth OR that he was even dating me. At first I didn’t give 2 shits what Rob’s father thought…it wasn’t like WE were dating. But when Rob started insisting that I pretend to be someone else when I called for him, I realized that I would prefer to have a boyfriend with balls.

Duration of relationship:
7 months or so

Inspirational music:
You with your still beliefs
That don’t match anything you do
It was so much easier before you became you
Now you don’t bring me anything but down–Sheryl Crow

Mike

I met this one on the Internet, so it’s a wonder things worked out like they did. He was a decent guy, but a LOUSY boyfriend. In the course of our whole relationship, he didn’t so much as buy me 1 cup of coffee. I am not one of those high-maintenance types or anything, but dammit I swallowed his cum! To me, that makes me deserving of a least one $6 movie! He was egotistical, inconsiderate, and unmotivated. He was intelligent though, and I’ve always been a sucker for the smart type. I don’t know exactly why we broke up because his cowardly way of ending the relationship was to randomly stop calling me. I do, however, have my theories.
1. I told him things about myself he couldn’t handle, even though he said it didn’t matter.
2. He had his hands in the butter. (He was fucking around)
3. I quit putting out. (Because he quit taking care of business)
4. All of the above. (This is most likely)
Honestly, I think I just forced myself to like him because I was feeling lonely. God knows, I can’t figure out what else I could’ve seen in him…

Duration of relationship:
A little over a month

Inspirational music:
I chew up and I choke down
The scraps you choose to leave around–BNL

Say my name, say my name
You’re acting kinda shady
Ain’t calling me baby
Why the sudden change?–Destiny’s Child

*Note*
Right now, I am casually dating two guys. One seems damn near perfect, but I not sure if it just seems like that because he’s everything my last ex wasn’t. The other one I’m just dating to keep me from getting to focused on the former. I am the kinda girl that likes to leave her options open until she is sure about something. But you never know…Rob started out as a distraction and we ended up together. I’ll keep you posted on how things are going with both of these men. If all goes well, I’ll be getting some nookie sometime in the near future.



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