Yo Quiero an Intelligent Customer
by WHO on Oct-20-1999

For three years of my life, I degraded myself by serving crappy food to dumb people. Like everyone else who has ever worked in a food-focused profession, I developed a seething hatred of all customers. Most of them tend to be unreasonable, demanding, and just plain rude. This behavior is counterproductive though, considering that the average 16-year-old doesn’t have the patience or desire to tolerate blatant disrespect with a smile. Instead, they will most likely take their anger and frustration out in private…usually while they are handling your food. Following is a list of ‘Do’s and don’ts’ that you may want to memorize if you ever plan on eating out again.

  • DON’T complain that the food doesn’t look like the food in the picture. That is computer generated food, you trailer-trash moron. Besides, if you want everything perfect, you can always go home and make it your damn self.

  • DON’T complain about how long it’s taking to prepare your food. I can guarantee you that you’re getting it faster then if you were to make it yourself.

  • DO remember that we’re human and will undoubtedly make mistakes. The nicer you are about our fuck-ups, the better your chances are for receiving free food.

  • DON’T threaten our jobs. You just make yourself look stupid. Do you honestly think a manager will fire someone who has put months (or even years) of hard work into the company because one person complained? Do you realize how hard it is to get someone to work there in the first place?

  • DON’T call the 800 number to bitch. We just laugh at those reports when they send them back to us.

  • DO call the store you visited when you have a problem. The manager in charge is usually so tired and unwilling to argue that they will sacrifice large quantities of free food in order to shut your stupid ass up.

  • DON’T threaten never to come back. Think about that for a minute. Those kids make the same bullshit wage whether you show up or not! Technically speaking, if you don’t show up, that just means less work for them. (That’s a good thing) Also, do you really think a predominant business will go under if your sorry ass doesn’t show up? I hate to break this to you, but your lousy $5 a week doesn’t make a difference.

  • DON’T show up a week later after doing the above.

  • DO pull away from the drive-thru as soon as you receive your food. If you suffer from chronic paranoia and must check your food, pull over to the side to do it. There are other people in line besides you.

  • DON’T order a burger at a taco place and vice-versa. We’ve heard that one before. We are not amused.

  • DON’T leave your trays on the table when you leave, Mr. Lazy.

  • DON’T fuck with anyone who has direct contact with something you are planning to eat. (You would be surprised at how many people don’t seem to ‘get’ this concept)

  • DO become the ‘perfect’ customer. Order quickly, pay quickly, and exit quickly.

  • Trust me on this stuff…it may save your life someday


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