Good Things
by WHO on Sep-4-2003

It was suggested to me that I write about the good in my life as well as the bad. I always assumed that no one wanted to read that crap. But a reader of mine insists that I am a wrong. So, without further ado:

Good Things That Happened to WHO This Week:

1. One particular co-worker of mine has a particularly whining simpering voice. She also likes to tell me what to do even though she is fairly incompetent. Most likely, her incompetence is a direct result of her extreme stupidity. Now, I personally have nothing against stupid people….especially when they can’t help it. You can’t hate a rock for being a rock, can you? But for some reason, her particular brand of ignorance really grates of my nerves. This is probably because she insists on jamming it down my throat every time we work together. There is no escaping her. Tonight, she started whining at me about something or another and I responding by repeatedly banging my head on a table until she walked away. Amazingly enough, this worked and I didn’t have to kill her. I consider this a good thing.

2. I recently became the owner of a small kitten. Upon taking the kitten home, I discovered that he had fleas. I have tried sprays, gels, and collars, but the fleas refuse to die. In fact, whenever I douse my kitten in a new pesticide, the fleas behave as if I’ve just provided them with a new swimming pool. I suspect that I am somehow breeding a new species of super flea that will one day bite me and turn me into a mutant super hero. Soon my days will consist of me viciously biting bad guys, laying eggs, and shitting blood. Oddly enough, thoughts like these have not caused me to throw my kitten out the window. I consider this a good thing. I guess I like the kitten because he’s bitchy like me. Here is a picture of my kitten being bitchy:

3. I have recently started the Atkins diet. Now, I’m not really losing weight as quickly as most people, but I do get to eat steak. I think eating steak is not half as much fun as ordering a steak though. See, I like my steak rare. Cold in the middle rare. In fact, if it doesn’t start freshly bleeding when I cut into it, it’s over cooked. I like it rare enough that I can taste the death. I like it so rare that the pulsing in my mouth makes me believe that the cow I’m consuming is still alive. I like watching people get queasy and turn green every time they hear a cute little blond girl talk about her lust of blood and raw meat. Grossing people out is a good thing.

4. I started walking every day. Not once did I take a dump on anyone’s front lawn. Not that I’d be into that sort of thing or anything, but I’m going to count that as a good thing anyway. So nyah.

5. I made it to number five on this list. That, in itself, is a good thing. Also, no animals or humans were harmed during the creation of this update. Yet another good thing.

My life is a plethora of good things. And what’s more is that every single good thing is as intensely exciting as the last. I bet you creamed your panties reading this article, didn’t you?

Yeah?

Well, me too!

SEE? YET ANOTHER GOOD THING!

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