Cheap Asses
by WHO on Nov-20-2002

“WHO, can I see you in my office for a minute?”

Any person that has ever worked in the service industry knows that hearing that sentence from a general manager spells trouble. Most of the time, the fact that one of those jackasses knows your name in the first place is enough to give you the cold thigh sweats. There is nothing worse than being singled out by a greedy corporate pig that sold his soul to the golden arches when he was but a wee little lad.

And here I was, sitting before the swine himself wondering whether or not he’d notice if I was missing my newest promotional button.

“I got a phone call today,” he starts, rubbing his greasy palms together earnestly.

Deciding it’s best to cut to the chase, I cut in, “Concerning me?”

“Yes, concerning you. One of your customers called me today. She said that you waited on her and her friends last night. The service was fine, nothing to complain about there. But as everyone was coming out of the bathroom, the group saw you take the tip off the table and call them, uh, cheap asses.”

“What did they tip me?”

“I did the calculations and it came up to a little less than 15%. But that’s not the point. The point is, the woman who tipped you was horribly embarrassed in front of her friends. In fact, she says she will never come back to this restaurant again. Because of you.”

Of course this was my cue to apologize repeatedly while he assured me that I wasn’t in any formal trouble…he was just ‘letting me know for future reference.’ I promised him it will never happen again and he made some lame little joke about me punching a wall in the kitchen in the future if it makes me feel better. Our pow-wow ended with me leaving the office looking mournful and so very sorry.

But secretly….secretly…..I was pleased. This woman, even in her extreme anger and embarrassment, admitted that there was nothing wrong with the service she received. She could not recall one mistake, one forgotten refill, or one snotty word. So, what the Hell was she doing tipping LESS than the socially accepted minimum 15% tip? Why the Hell didn’t she tip 20%? I’ll tell you why: Because she’s a cheap ass. I called a spade a spade. And this time, the spade was within earshot and I embarrassed her in front of all her friends. Good.

I hope all her friends shook their heads and clicked their tongues with reproof. I hope they got home and started telling all her other friends how she acted like a pig at the restaurant and then had the nerve to short change the poor waitress. I hope that woman is scared, nay terrified to leave anything less than 20% as tip again for the rest of her life. The way I see it is I’ve done a civil service by calling her a cheap ass. And hopefully, future servers will benefit from my accidentally overhead words.

What kills me is this woman had the audacity to call up the restaurant the next day, admit that she’s a shit tipper, and then assume my feelings would be hurt that she’s never coming back. You’re never coming back to run my ass off all night and then insult me with your chump change? Good!

I mean, I only make $2.13. That’s what I deserve, right? I only got your drinks, waited patiently while you changed your mind 80 times, begged the cook to make you something that wasn’t on our fucking menu, watched the cook like a hawk to make sure he didn’t screw up like he always does, snatched the plates out of the window and hustled them to your table so fast that I burnt my fingers, brought your camel of a son about 80 refills, made up 10 sides of ranch dressing for you that you will most assuredly never use, quickly wiped up the fruit punch that your daughter spilled without interrupting your conversation, brought you extra napkins, timed your desert perfectly so it came out right when you were finished with your meal and I had cleared your plates, brought you a free cup of coffee, split your check up into 4, showered you with compliments and cleaned up the pigsty/table that you left for me….all within 45 minutes or less….all the while doing them same for all my other tables.

Never mind that after taxes, my paycheck is a big, fat ZERO. That’s what I deserve, right?

Fuck you.

Everyone deserves to get paid for the job they do….whether all goes smoothly or you had to wait an extra 10 minutes for your extra well done sirloin. When you have an off day at the office does your boss come to you and say that he decided he wasn’t going to pay you for the 8 hours you just spent on the grind? Think about that the next time you decided to stiff a waitress because she dropped a drink at a side stand that was merely within your eyesight.

The people that piss me off the most are the ones that claim they shouldn’t have to leave a tip. It is the responsibility of the restaurant to compensate their employees, not them. They already paid for the service. They shouldn’t have to pay twice.

Not so, buster. What you just got done paying for was the food, NOT THE service. And if the restaurant compensated their employees like you insist they should, the only person who would suffer the consequences is YOU. After all, where the Hell do you think the money to compensate the employees is going to come from? Out of the pocket of the greedy corporate pig that reprimanded me for my less than desirable attitude? Don’t make me laugh. It’s going to come from YOU, shit tipper, in the form of a tremendous price increase on all your favorite foods.

Now instead of just having to throw a couple of measly bucks down on the table to pay YOUR server, you’ve got to help the restaurant pay every single server in the restaurant $8-$10 an hour. Have fun paying $30 for a $10 steak. And now your kid’s $2 grilled cheese sandwich is going to run you somewhere around $10. I hope you choke on your $15 cheeseburger, you stupid non big picture seeing motherfucker.

That seem like a better idea to you? I bet it doesn’t! Because now your fat ass can’t afford to go out to eat. Instead, you are forced to stay home and cook for your ignorant husband and picky children. And no one is going to help you do the dishes when you’re done!

Or….you can just suck it up and leave a 20% tip. 15% if the server is a moron, but you’re still planning on coming back. Anything less and the server WILL remember you, and she WILL point you out to your next server when you come back, and you WILL be treated less than desirably. You might not like it, but a decent tip is your insurance that nothing foreign ever makes into your food in the future.

Not that I’VE ever left a glob of snot in someone’s hamburger. I haven’t, but I know people who have. I, however, prefer to get my revenge in more subtle ways…

You know what happened to your cell phone that you lost when you were out shopping? The one you searched all over for? The one you made about ten dozen phone calls concerning trying to track it down? It’s in the trash, shit tipper. Along with your kid’s favorite blanket, your husband’s hat, and your grandmother’s super expensive prescription eyeglasses.

I’ve been known to bolt out to your car with the doggie bag you left on the table if you tipped me good. Otherwise, I mutter ‘cheap ass’ to myself, shrug my shoulders, and toss your belongings into the trash. And when you come back in looking for them, I hold your $3 tip in my hand, stare at you blankly, and claim I have NO IDEA what happened to your car keys. Then I grin smugly and watch you take a cab back home. Now you’ve got to run around like mad replacing your keys the next day. Your cheapness just ended up COSTING you money.

Next time, just leave a couple of extra bucks on the table, you jack ass. And not ONE of you ungrateful bastards better write to me telling me what a bad attitude I have and HORRIBLE it is for me to behave the way I do.

If someone were fucking with YOUR paycheck, you wouldn’t behave all that well either.

Punks.



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