Follow the Son
by WHO on Nov-1-2002

Lately, all the people who have been ‘born again’ work in advertising. Don’t believe me? Drive past a local Church and get a load of the numerous kooky slogans displayed on the billboards. While some of these slogans have made me chuckle, I have yet to come across one compelling enough to get me to go to Church. And if you want complete honesty, some of them are downright disturbing.

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

Why do I get uncanny feeling that if I enter that particular place of worship, some crazed Reverend is going to be waiting at the door for me with a Shotgun? Of course, he wouldn’t make me pay for the ammo it takes to off me. Or the bottle of jack he had to consume beforehand. Or the gas for his white Astro van that he’s going to need to hightail it out of there.

People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

It’s not going to be boiling hot, is it? Because one time I took a bite of some boiling hot soup and my tongue swelled up like a chubby. Also, when you put a tea bag in a hot water, the tea kind of leaks out of the bag. My skin isn’t going to do that, is it? I’m not saying that I’m a dirty person or anything, but I don’t see my skin making a particularly tasty beverage.

How will you spend eternity — Smoking or Non-smoking?
I’m having holocaust flashbacks here. Thanks anyway, Dr. Mengele, but I prefer the oven donning the ‘Out of Order’ sign.

If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
Unfortunately, the police department where I live does not. And I’ve tried to pray away traffic tickets. It doesn’t work.

In the dark? Follow the Son.
Did you catch the cutesy little play on words there? Not sun, but SON.

Isn’t that darling?

It’s cute…until you remember whom they’re referring too. Jesus. And we all know that Jesus was a lunatic. He wasn’t the Son of God. He was the Son of Joseph.

And Mary was the very first white trash Mother. Lucky for her, there was no DNA testing 2,002 years ago. Today’s white trash Mothers aren’t as fortunate. They are forced to appear on the ‘Who’s my Baby’s Daddy?’ episode of the Jenny Jones show. On the upside, they can sport too small booty shorts instead of those yucky robes.

But seriously, I really don’t blame Mary for playing the whole ‘virgin’ card. Do you know what happened to women that fucked out of wedlock back in those days? They were stoned to death. Faced with repercussions that painful, I would have lied too.

Furthermore, it’s quite possible that it wasn’t even Mary’s idea. It could have been Joseph’s. I mean, just because he was too poor to marry her, doesn’t mean he didn’t think she was a prime piece of ass. Besides, this kid was making him big bucks. I mean, the wise men alone gave him enough gold and myrhh to keep him in goats for a decade. Maybe Joseph was Mary’s pimp?

I could just imagine Mary’s interview with the wise men.

Wise men: So, Mary, if you didn’t engage in acts of Love, how did you to come to give birth to this child?
Mary: (Using a deep southern accent) Well, I don’t know. I mean, one day I saw this bright and shiny light. I think it was God…or an alien…I don’t know. But the next day, I missed my monthly. Ya’ll believe me, don’t you?

And everyone did believe her. Except the Jews, of course. And that’s only because Ethan in the next village over remembered a particularly eventful roll in the hay with Mary the night of the big pig roast. Jesus, of course, was an innocent victim. I mean, since the day of his birth people were telling him he was the Son of God. I bet Joseph was a real prick of a father…so it got easier and easier to believe. Every time he was forced to shovel horseshit, he would just glare and mutter to himself, “Just wait until my REAL Father gets here. Somebody’s going to be burning in Hell then!”

Too bad Jesus couldn’t learn to keep his fat mouth shut. You can only hear the whole ‘If you don’t let me play QB, I’m going to tell my Father to make you burn in Hell’ threat so many times before you get fed up. And that’s why the Jews had to crucify him. The little punk needed to learn not to disrespect.

So, in closing, I’d just like to say following Jesus to Church is just about as stupid as following Jeffery Dahmer to an all you can eat buffet. Or Angela Yates to a baby shower. Or Bill Cowher down a dark alley wearing a Browns jersey.

Following a lunatic anywhere is a good way to get yourself killed.

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