Diary of an Insomniac
by WHO on Oct-1-2002

9:30pm
Think: If I fall asleep by 10 o’clock, I will get exactly 7.5 hours of sleep.

9:31pm
Think: Man, am I tired! I worked all day and I barely slept last night! I’m exhausted! I should fall right to sleep!

9:33pm
Lay down in bed. Kiss significant other good night. Close eyes tightly. When significant other is snoring gently, realize that you’re wide-awake.

9:40pm
Think: That’s OK. I’ll just count sheep. Begin counting sheep. Get to
almost 102 before you realize that you are not even somewhat drowsy.
Picture all 102 sheep mangled by a rabid coyote.

9:53pm
Get up and go to the bathroom. Pour yourself three little cups of Nyquil. Down them like shots of tequila. Go back to bed feeling smug.

10:01pm
Think: Those should kick in in about 15 minutes.

10:30pm
Think: Holy shit! I’m still awake!

10:31pm
Roll over and glare at significant other. Think: He has no trouble falling asleep. He doesn’t care that I can’t sleep and I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning. He is a SELFISH BASTARD. Stare at significant other and seethe.

11:04pm
Realize that seething at significant other will not make him wake up and talk to you. Yank the pillow out from under his head instead. Glare when he just rolls over and smacks his lips peacefully. Mumble: Selfish bastard doesn’t deserve a pillow.

11:10pm
Wonder if you should wake him up pretending to hear a prowler. Nix that idea when you realize that he’ll just wake up long enough to look for the prowler, then go right back to sleep.

11:41pm
Realize that the solution to all your problems is located in the orgasm of technology dubbed ‘your computer.’ Go downstairs and surf a little. Bring up google and type in: Cures for Insomnia. Come up with such ideas as: ‘warm milk and soft music.’

12:04am

Warm up a glass of milk and listen to soft music. Drink the entire glass of milk and practice deep breathing techniques. Quickly realize that it isn’t working. In a fit of fury, stand up and scream: WHY GOD, WHY? WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN MEEEEEE?? In your fit of rage, throw the empty glass of milk at the ceiling.

12:15am
Think: If I fall asleep in the next 15 minutes, I can still get 5 hours of sleep. All is not lost. Go back to bed.

12:32am
Think: You are getting sleeeeeppppy. You are getting sleeeeeppppy. You are asleep! Open your eyes. You are awake.

1:12am
Close your eyes tightly and breathe deeply. Smack your lips peacefully. Avoid panic by thinking: See? I’m sleeping now! I really am sleeping now! I’m in a deeeeeeeppp sleep.

1:32am
Decide to quit living a lie. You were NOT asleep. God hates you, remember?

1:41am
Think: If I fall asleep in by 2am, I can get 3.5 hours of sleep.

2:11am
Lay in bed dejected.

2:20am
In a fit of desperation, wake up your significant other by screaming: OH MY GOD, I HEAR A PROWLER!

2:28am
Significant other gets up to go look for imagined prowler. Finds no one. Reassures you that all the doors are locked. Lays down and falls immediately back to sleep. Selfish Bastard.

2:30am
Think: If I fall asleep by 3, I can get 2.5 hours of sleep.

2:38am
Decide you need to clip your toenails. Get up and go clip them over the toilet unlike gross, selfish, sleeping-like-a-baby significant other who piles them up on the nightstand. Clip quickly and viciously. When you’re done, break down in tears. You can never get them even.

2:51am
Think: Maybe I can call of work? Nix that idea when you remember that you’re broke.

3:01am
Start feeling very drowsy. Almost doze off completely before you realize you have to pee. Try to ignore it. Then remember the old childhood fear of wetting your bed. Get up and go to the bathroom. Lie back down in bed and realize that once again, you’re wide-awake. Damn google and that milk to everlasting Hell.

3:22am
Get inane pop song stuck in your head. Think: Someone has to pay.

3:30am
Consider getting up and reeking havoc on a couple of fan sites. Realize that you’re much, much too lazy. Instead, lie in bed and continue to seethe.

3:50am
Think: If I fall asleep in 10 minutes, I can still get 1.5 hours of sleep.

4:30am
Stare and clock and drool. Feel hopeless and dejected.

5:12am
Doze of into the most blissful sleep you’ve ever had.

5:30am
Piercing alarm goes off waking you from the heavenly state of sleep. Rip it out of the wall and throw it across the room. Significant other wakes up to ask you what is wrong. Say: What do you care, you selfish bastard? Ignore his confused, fully rested stare as you grudgingly get ready for work. Wonder briefly if you can sue Nyquil for this. Vow to never drink warm milk again.

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