Diary of an Insomniac
by WHO on Oct-1-2002

Think: If I fall asleep by 10 o’clock, I will get exactly 7.5 hours of sleep.

Think: Man, am I tired! I worked all day and I barely slept last night! I’m exhausted! I should fall right to sleep!

Lay down in bed. Kiss significant other good night. Close eyes tightly. When significant other is snoring gently, realize that you’re wide-awake.

Think: That’s OK. I’ll just count sheep. Begin counting sheep. Get to
almost 102 before you realize that you are not even somewhat drowsy.
Picture all 102 sheep mangled by a rabid coyote.

Get up and go to the bathroom. Pour yourself three little cups of Nyquil. Down them like shots of tequila. Go back to bed feeling smug.

Think: Those should kick in in about 15 minutes.

Think: Holy shit! I’m still awake!

Roll over and glare at significant other. Think: He has no trouble falling asleep. He doesn’t care that I can’t sleep and I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning. He is a SELFISH BASTARD. Stare at significant other and seethe.

Realize that seething at significant other will not make him wake up and talk to you. Yank the pillow out from under his head instead. Glare when he just rolls over and smacks his lips peacefully. Mumble: Selfish bastard doesn’t deserve a pillow.

Wonder if you should wake him up pretending to hear a prowler. Nix that idea when you realize that he’ll just wake up long enough to look for the prowler, then go right back to sleep.

Realize that the solution to all your problems is located in the orgasm of technology dubbed ‘your computer.’ Go downstairs and surf a little. Bring up google and type in: Cures for Insomnia. Come up with such ideas as: ‘warm milk and soft music.’


Warm up a glass of milk and listen to soft music. Drink the entire glass of milk and practice deep breathing techniques. Quickly realize that it isn’t working. In a fit of fury, stand up and scream: WHY GOD, WHY? WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN MEEEEEE?? In your fit of rage, throw the empty glass of milk at the ceiling.

Think: If I fall asleep in the next 15 minutes, I can still get 5 hours of sleep. All is not lost. Go back to bed.

Think: You are getting sleeeeeppppy. You are getting sleeeeeppppy. You are asleep! Open your eyes. You are awake.

Close your eyes tightly and breathe deeply. Smack your lips peacefully. Avoid panic by thinking: See? I’m sleeping now! I really am sleeping now! I’m in a deeeeeeeppp sleep.

Decide to quit living a lie. You were NOT asleep. God hates you, remember?

Think: If I fall asleep in by 2am, I can get 3.5 hours of sleep.

Lay in bed dejected.

In a fit of desperation, wake up your significant other by screaming: OH MY GOD, I HEAR A PROWLER!

Significant other gets up to go look for imagined prowler. Finds no one. Reassures you that all the doors are locked. Lays down and falls immediately back to sleep. Selfish Bastard.

Think: If I fall asleep by 3, I can get 2.5 hours of sleep.

Decide you need to clip your toenails. Get up and go clip them over the toilet unlike gross, selfish, sleeping-like-a-baby significant other who piles them up on the nightstand. Clip quickly and viciously. When you’re done, break down in tears. You can never get them even.

Think: Maybe I can call of work? Nix that idea when you remember that you’re broke.

Start feeling very drowsy. Almost doze off completely before you realize you have to pee. Try to ignore it. Then remember the old childhood fear of wetting your bed. Get up and go to the bathroom. Lie back down in bed and realize that once again, you’re wide-awake. Damn google and that milk to everlasting Hell.

Get inane pop song stuck in your head. Think: Someone has to pay.

Consider getting up and reeking havoc on a couple of fan sites. Realize that you’re much, much too lazy. Instead, lie in bed and continue to seethe.

Think: If I fall asleep in 10 minutes, I can still get 1.5 hours of sleep.

Stare and clock and drool. Feel hopeless and dejected.

Doze of into the most blissful sleep you’ve ever had.

Piercing alarm goes off waking you from the heavenly state of sleep. Rip it out of the wall and throw it across the room. Significant other wakes up to ask you what is wrong. Say: What do you care, you selfish bastard? Ignore his confused, fully rested stare as you grudgingly get ready for work. Wonder briefly if you can sue Nyquil for this. Vow to never drink warm milk again.

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