Conspiracy Theory
by WHO on Jun-9-2002

Alien abductions happen every day. Somehow, the Chinese know this and are, for reasons unknown, trying to take over America in retaliation. The government is currently involved in these conspiracies and successfully keeps these facts from the general public.

The ranting’s of some redneck lunatic, you ask?

Close…these are the ranting’s of my younger brother. And while I would not label him a lunatic, nor is he a redneck, he definitely has some issues when it comes to paranoia.

I blame the old television show: ‘Unsolved Mysteries.’ At the tender age of 10, my brother watched an episode and as a result, became convinced that alien’s were trying to abduct him. Every night, for almost six months, he would sneak into my bedroom, quietly wake me up, and whisper fearfully that once again, they were waiting for him outside his bedroom window.

“Pssssstt! They’re here again, Sis! One is standing outside my bedroom window as we speak! Every time I look at him, he waves at me!

“Nothing is outside your bedroom window, now go back to sleep!”

“I can’t! They are waiting to give me an anal probe!”

“Nothing is there, and I’ll prove it! Come on!”

At this point, I would half drag him by his arm into his bedroom, turn on the light, and reveal the fact that nothing was standing outside his bedroom window waving to him.

“They were here! They just ran away when they heard you coming!”

“Honestly, we live on the third floor of an apartment building! How could they stand outside your bedroom window? Do they just have really long legs or something?”

Musing to more to himself than to me, my brother would reply, “Maybe they do, Sis. Maybe they do.”

It wasn’t until watching ‘Gremlins’ that my brother became convinced that the Aliens were merely afraid of light. As a result, he became accustomed to sleeping with a nightlight. I didn’t care. Finally, I was able to sleep through the night without being interrupted.

When my brother was 16, he began hanging around with a kid I suspect had some severe mental problems. He once tried to cut off his finger and send it to the Pope. He also could talk for hours about how the government was putting a solution in butter that was controlling all our minds. He believed my brother, in full, when he described his horror at escaping abduction from aliens time and time again. Hanging out with this kid did nothing but instigate my brother’s wild imagination. I knew that, but was powerless to stop it. And to tell the truth, I didn’t even try. After all, sitting around listening to them get worked up over a new butter factory being built in town was downright hilarious.

But I can’t say as I was the least bit surprised when I knocked on my brother’s door late one night, was jerked into a pitch black house, and feverously told be keep quiet.

“What’s going on now, dammit?” I whispered.

“You know that movie, ‘The Matrix?’”


“Well, it’s real!”

“What’s real?”

“The Matrix! One really exists!”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because I hacked onto the FBI website! It’s all right there!”

“Let me get this straight…the FBI website is so easily accessible that a 16 year old can hack onto it? Right.”

“But I’m not your average 16 year old!”

At this point the phone rang. I went to answer it, and my brother grabbed it from me with a strangled little scream.

“Don’t answer the phone!”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because it’s the FBI calling. As soon as you answer the phone, they’ll use a tracer to get my address and then they’ll come and arrest me. They know someone was tampering with their system!”

“Oh good Lord.”

I’m not sure if my brother ever outgrew his fear of aliens and the almighty government. He stopped ranting and raving about them, but that doesn’t mean he no longer believes. What I DO know is that he developed and new fear: Chinese people. He’s convinced that they’re trying to take over America.

“You know, they always ACT real stupid, but they’re really super-smart. And don’t give me any of this crap about them not understanding English all that well because they understand fucking ‘Engrish’ better than we do. Don’t you see all the shit they produce? Nice cars, fucking kick ass stereo systems…EVERYTHING. Does that sound stupid to you? Yet…they ACT stupid, because they don’t want you to suspect the TRUTH! They’re just gathering information, you see, learning out our ‘way of life’ and then they’ll strike! And they’re coming here in DROVES! If the government doesn’t cut down on foreign exchange students soon, we’ll all be worshipping Allah with all those commie bastards real fucking soon!”

I suppose I should worry.

But I don’t. Instead, I think to myself, that much like the aliens and the Matrix, my brother will grow out of his latest conspiracy theory. It is usually at this point that he rolls down window of my car, leans out, and screams at some non-English speaking kid on a bike,



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