Spit Dick
by WHO on Jan-6-2001

Pornography is the ultimate conversation booster. Is your party in the process of bombing? Pop in a porno and be shocked and amazed when everyone leaves your house talking about how much fun they’ve had. Even the prudes and feminists who wrinkle their noses distastefully at the very thought of a doubled headed dildo will stare at the screen mesmerized at the sight of some guy in a pig uniform anally raping a blonde with a boob job. They may say otherwise, but secretly, they love it.

Late one night, a male friend of mine comes over to hang out. After talking ourselves out for an hour or two, we settled down to (you guessed it) watch a little free satellite porn.

If you’ve read my previous article on porn, then you know that one of my biggest pornography pet peeves is watching some chick purposely SPIT on some guy’s dick while she’s blowing him (or vice versa). It’s getting to be quite the trend in the porn industry.

So, I’m watching this revolting display of sexual imagery with my friend and finally I can’t take it anymore. I turn to him and ask,

“Is that spit thing REALLY a turn on for guys?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure if it’s the spit or the blowjob.”

Jokingly, I say, “We should spit on your dick and find out.”

He replies, “All right.”

“I was kidding.”

“No, let’s do it. It’ll be fun.”

I stare at him suspiciously, “You’re not going to get another blowjob out of me…there is only so many times one can be blessed in a lifetime” (Note: Yes, we’ve had ‘relations’ before. *cough* In the far, far past)

“I know that. We’ll just do it in the name of science. No big deal.”

Well, that analogy appealed to the logical part of my mind. And the next thing I know, we’re jumping around my house like two little kids getting ready to dissect a frog.

His first order of business is getting rid of his post porno hard on….for maximum results. He flicks off the T.V and picks up a copy of a PG magazine to read.

“Just think of your parents fucking,” I say.

He groans, “How disgusting!”

“Exactly.”

It suddenly occurs to me that I’ve never spit on anyone before…I’m not sure if I can do it. Maybe if I had something in particular to spit, it will be a little easier. I go rooting through my fridge looking for something liquid.

“I’m about to spit aquafina purified water on you.” I take a deep drink and start warming it up in my mouth. I ask/gargle, “Arr ooo flaccid et?”

“Give me a second.”

“Erry up!”

I wait, tapping my foot and swishing the water around in my mouth.

Finally he announces, “OK…I’m completely soft.”

Down come the pants; he lies down. I lean over him and realize that I can’t bring myself to actually spit the water on him.

“I can’t oo it,” I gargle.

“Why not?”

“I on’t know…I juss an’t”

“Just fucking DO it!”

“I caaaannnnn’t,” I whine.

“Don’t be a wussy, just do it!”

*Spit*

We both sit up and stare intently at his penis.

“Is it getting hard?” I whisper.

“Give it a second,” he whispers back.

We stare, waiting for even the slightest twitch.

Finally, he says, “I don’t think it did anything for me….”

“SUCCESS!” I exclaim jubilantly as I hand him some napkins to clean himself up. (No, I did not blow him.)

Do you hear that, porno directors? Spit has been scientifically proven not to be a turn on amongst the male species. His penis didn’t so much as TWITCH! The results are truly astounding. In light of this startling scientific evidence, I suggest you give the American public what they want:

Less spit…more nipple clamps.



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