Cyber Super Villian
by WHO on Feb-6-2001

Just recently, a woman IM’d me to inform me that I’m a ‘very mean person who doesn’t care who gets hurt by my actions.’

Well, that’s news to me.

I’ve always thought that despite my greatest efforts, my heart was prone to a little bleeding just like everyone else’s. In fact, I’ve cited examples on this page. I’ve written about my experiences as both a nanny and a volunteer…two situations I was involved in which are stereotypically atypical amongst the cold and the heartless. However, many a cyber moron has written to me insisting that they know me better than I know myself.

It is astounding to me that people feel they can browse through 3 pages of my site and become a world-class expert on the inner workings of my mind. Lord knows that I don’t exist outside of the World Wide Web. My life experience is strictly restricted to this little bit of bandwidth I have purchased. If it’s not written up in HTML format, it’s not real.

The woman I mentioned above also ironically stated that she ‘didn’t wish to judge me on my website.’ Another reader of my site insisted that he ‘didn’t THINK I was unhappy, he KNEW it.’ Again: more news to me. I was under the impression that I was a pretty cool person living a fairly decent life. Apparently, I was wrong. Thank you, O faithful readers, for showing me the light. All this time, I’ve been miserable and I didn’t even know it.

  • I am the author of this website, so that must mean I’m cruel.
  • I am the author of this website, so that must mean I’m misguided, radical, and a cynic.
  • I am the author of this website, so that must mean I like to eat babies for breakfast.
  • I am the author of this website, so that must mean I kick puppies.
  • I am the author of this website, so that must mean I’m a whore.

I can almost see how one could get that impression…especially the whore part. After all, I’ve freely admitted to masturbating from time to time, and I am not ashamed of the fact that I enjoy pornography. Obviously, that means that picking up married men in dive bars and letting them give me spankings in dark alley’s is one of my most treasured hobbies.

How come no one considered that maybe the reason why I write about porn and masturbation so much is because I’m not getting laid??? Ah, the truth comes out! I’m not a whore. In fact, I am extremely picky when it comes to phallic body parts crammed into my private orifices.

The fuckbuddy application is just a joke, people. Much like the rest of my site, I included it because I thought it was funny. If you are still skeptical, I challenge you to email some of my fuckbuddies and find a single one that I have even written back, let alone fucked. In fact, if after reading an application I am even SLIGHTLY suspicious that the person took it seriously, I won’t even post it.

These past couple of months, I have developed a love/hate relationship with the Internet. On one hand, it’s a great source of information, and I enjoy reading other people’s thoughts and ideas. On the other hand, it attracts social rejects galore that seem convinced that web writers are kindred spirits, soul mates, the only people in the world who really understand them. People feel safe writing long emails confessing every hope and desire to a perfect stranger. For one thing, there is a certain level of anonymity involved. Also, there is the very misguided belief that this person things like they think, feels the same pain, shares the same hopes and dreams and fears. They are completely comfortable baring their souls to this person without fear of ridicule and laughter, because they know they UNDERSTAND.

Well, I hate to break this to you people, but I DON’T understand. And I DON’T ‘know’ you. And I don’t have all the answers. And if you approach me under the above-mentioned pretenses, you can expect nothing but ridicule and laughter. I am not your fucking shrink, marriage counselor, or friend.

But I AM human and I make mistakes. I try my best to avoid making cyber friends, and normally, I’ll only respond to other web writers for this express reason. We normally compliment or criticize each other’s writing, give opinions on graphics or code, trade a couple of jokes or stories, recommend a book here or there….that sort of thing. Seemingly harmless stuff, huh?

Rarely and against my better judgment, I will end up genuinely LIKING some of these people. I once went all the way to NYC to meet a woman that collects bugs who I met through my website. Normally, my radar is on target, and I am usually able to pick out the bad apples. I can honestly say that I’ve never met anyone that has ever disappointed me. Once the process is complete, I have a brand spanking new cyber friend from my minimal efforts. I say ‘minimal’ because I have NEVER initiated a cyber friendship. I have never sent the first email, IM, or suggested a meeting. I share important personal details about my life with VERY FEW people (cyber or otherwise). Mainly, I just listen. And, if asked for, I will give advice that I would deem suitable for any real life friend.

Except that that’s not exactly true. I honestly don’t remember giving actual advice to a cyber friend. And if I did, it sure as hell wouldn’t be the advice I give to my real life friends. I’m much more sensitive to people online than I am to real life people. If for no other reason than the fact that I feel a person who seeks advice from a perfect stranger on the Internet must be pretty confused and desperate. Pearls of wisdom such as: ‘Suck it up, don’t be such a baby, and make your own decisions’ are usually reserved for real life friends that I am confident can handle the tough love.

The message is the same for a cyber friend, but it is usually conveyed in a slightly more sensitive tone. (I.e.: Everything will be OK. Do what makes you happy. I am confident that you will make the right decision) I have never told anyone to end their relationship, I have never insisted that they quit their job, I have never recommended a ’sound investment.’ My only mistake is continually overestimating the decision-making capabilities of people. Who knew the ‘right’ decision would be so elusive to some people? Things are normally very cut and dry in my life, very black and white. Other people seem to have many different shades of gray clouding up their lives.

But you know what? That’s not my fault. And what’s more is, it’s not my problem.

The icing on the cake is that people fail to realize that I am a human being too, and their fucked up multicolored lives are imposing on MINE. They cry and whine to me when I can’t solve all their problems and blame me when things go wrong. They fail to recognize that they’ve been using me as a dumping ground and that I never asked or wanted to be involved. But, out of the goodness of my heart, I have sacrificed large quantities of MY time to listen and offer comfort. And although I blame no one but myself, MY grades are dropping, MY work is being affected, *I* am having trouble getting to sleep at night. And for what? WHAT HAVE I GAINED?

Not a damn thing.

In fact, for all of my efforts, I have been accused of being heartless, insensitive, manipulative and promiscuous. Funny thing is, I was under the impression I listened because I CARED.

However, popular opinion maintains otherwise. This time, I am going with popular opinion. I AM cruel, unhappy, cynical, insensitive and promiscuous. If you think it, it must be true.

Right now, I’m going to go kick a puppy. When I wake up in the morning, I think I might start worshipping Satan.


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