Golden Ones
by WHO on Dec-20-2000

Lately writing articles for shock value seems to be quite the popular thing to do. But it suddenly occurred to me that I had no one to hate…no one large group of people to lash out at in an obvious attempt to draw negative attention to my site.

Enazzus doesn’t like Republicans. But I know squat about politics and frankly, I’m too damn lazy to research and form an opinion.

VenusEnvy has got the Goth scene under control. God help the self-loathing filled little creeps.

Web cam chicks throughout the net fear the mighty wit of Daign. But after reading Mistress Whiplash’s review, I realized that no one could tear them apart better than he could.

The Misanthropic Bitch hates woman and children. However, my feelings for children only escalate to blind hatred occasionally (usually when I’m in a restaurant). Most of the time I feel mild indifference. Woman, on the other hand, are a prime targets. I detest the whiney, bitter cunts. But, like I pointed out earlier, it’s been done.

There are countless websites out there that degrade men, but few do it well. I can’t bash men though. I like men. I didn’t always…I used to think most were dirty, mindless, sex starved, lying little animals. But I’ve recently changed my mind.

Why? It’s simple really: I’ve started serving. I’ve found that men are the biggest tippers. Women tip 10% and if you fail to compliment their adorably trendy Gucci sweater, they have no problem stiffing you. But when I serve breakfast to a couple of guys (usually between the ages of 18-35), my tip is closer to 25%. One table had their bill come to $11 and tipped me $8. True, they probably liked my tits more than their meals, but hey, that’s Ok by me. I don’t mind if you’re a dirty Neanderthal as long as you’re a dirty Neanderthal with deep pockets.

While meandering along this train of thought, I’ve figured out the perfect group of people to hate: Old people. Old people are, by far, the worst tippers. A senior citizen will come into the restaurant, get a fat discount on all of their food, change their orders twice, send you to the kitchen 20 times for every little thing they forgot to ask for, babble on incessantly about the numerous grandchildren that never come to visit them and then act like they are doing you a favor when they tip you 50 cents.

I say abolish social security and let the cheap fuckers all die.

These days, modern medicine keeps people alive way to long anyway. People live off of the government and suck the wallets of the taxpayers dry longer than they can even remember their names. We keep people alive until their hearing diminishes, their eyesight is but a dim memory, and their teeth fall out. When they start relaying the same stories over and over and shitting and pissing themselves, we ship Gram and Gramps off to nursing homes to get sponge baths from ex convicts. There is no such thing as respecting your elders anymore. And there is certainly no dignity in being old. If the majority of senior citizens weren’t religious zealots, I’m sure a good amount of them would blow their brains out before the arthritis cramped their hands to bad.

Wouldn’t you? Who the hell wants to live the last years of their lives doped up on 10 different types of medication lugging around a colostomy bag? Who wants to watch as their great, great grandchildren’s eyes glaze over as they go into ’smile and nod’ mode while you talk? Who wants to decide to go out and have some fun with friends one day only to find out everyone in your address book has bought the farm? Not me. The day I no longer can take care of myself is the day I scoot my wheelchair into oncoming traffic.

Now I’m not saying, kill your kindly old grandmother who bakes you cookies and reads you bedtime stories. I’m just saying let her die when she gets so decrepit, miserable and feeble that it hurts her to breathe. Don’t ignore her existence for 30 years whiles she rots away alone or in a nursing home while simultaneously shelling out big bucks for oxygen tanks because you feel guilty that you never come and visit. Just pull the plugs and let her die. Trust me, if there is a heaven, she’ll be thanking you from it. If not, you can rest easy knowing you spared her years and years of indignities.

As for social security, I still say we should axe it and any other form of financial assistance we bestow on people. (This includes welfare, wick, etc.) I am sick of paying for the shortcomings of others. And in the case of senior citizens, I am sick of paying for your lack of foresight. Despite all the preteen denial, everyone will get old. Instead of blowing all your money on crap you don’t need when you’re younger, put some aside to keep you comfortable when you are older. It’s that simple. Don’t wake up one day, retire, and then expect the rest of the world to start catering to YOU. The rest of the world is busy trying to look after their own. And if you can’t take care of yourself, tough shit. That’s not my problem. Survival of the fittest, baby. Maybe if more people lived by this mentality, over population wouldn’t be such an issue. If you can’t support yourself, die, and make room for people who can.

Or at least start leaving a better tip.


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