What Ever Happened To…
by WHO on Apr-22-2001

It’s been slightly over a year since the conception of my site. If you want to know the truth, I didn’t expect it to do half as well as it’s doing. However, for some strange reason the majority of you seem to like me. That either makes you a bunch of heartless bastards or sheep. I haven’t decided yet.

Either way, I’m glad I’ve turned the lot of you into my little bitches. Every time I find out that one of you has linked your website to mine or whored my site out on a religious message board, I’m tickled pink…

…Unless you feel the need to Instant Message me with your mindless blather. I’m busy. No, I don’t want to chat with you. Yes, this means you. No matter how witty, entertaining, or intellectual you find yourself, I can almost guarantee you I think the exact opposite. Yes, this means you! There is a very small, very elite group of people I enjoying engaging in idle conversation. They know who they are. No, it’s not you.

I can almost hear you whining already:

But what if we want to tell you we like your site?

I know you like my site. I see that every time I check my stats. And here is a big hearty ‘THANK YOU’ in advance.

But what if we want to tell you we hate your site?

Cool. I’m glad SOMEONE does. Here is a big hearty ‘THANK YOU’ in advance.

But what if we have a question we’d like to ask?

Well then I will promptly refer you to my FAQ. Of course, many, many, many of you seem to have questions about specific articles of mine that aren’t answered in the FAQ. You will be pleased to know that I plan on answering said questions here. If you can’t find it on this page either then email me. I’ll answer when I’m damn good and ready.

So, without further ado…

I read what you said about cops. I’m a cop, but I swear I’m really cool! Do you at least like me?

Most likely, no. In fact, if I had nuts, I’d probably be bouncing them off of your chin.

Do you still volunteer at the Battered Woman’s Shelter?

Actually, I beat them about the head and shoulders with crowbars until they started paying me. Then I quit.

Whatever happened to the Cattygoths?

Of course they banned me from their little message board. I think I may have hurt someone’s feelings. Awwww! It’s old news though. Get over it.

Whatever happened to the pizza boy?

He called. They always call. Unfortunately for him, he was a moron. 15 minutes into the conversation, I couldn’t even enjoy his pizza….let alone his company.

Are you ever going to update the X Files?

No, and I’ll tell you why.

Back when you’re a teenager, every break up seems significant. However, as you get older, you’ll soon learn that there is always another limp dicked retard in line to take his place. Of course, he’ll probably have a crazy Ex girlfriend. And yes, he’ll probably give you another one of those lame heart shaped necklaces to celebrate your anniversary. On the bright side, you’ll have something to pawn. To date, I’ve pawned 4.

Furthermore, I’ve learned that it is next to impossible to change how you feel about someone. It is much easier to change your perspective. For example, was your last boyfriend a little shy? No he wasn’t! He was a pussy and a coward! His wimp factor was through the roof! He was a back boneless little bitch! Jesus, how could you have dated such a pathetic little creep? You must have felt sorry for him. It’s a good thing you wised up before it was too late.

See what I mean? It works every time.

Ok, if you’re not going to add anyone new, can you at least tell whatever happened to the old guys?

Rick—Knocked up some chick.

Daryl—Married some chick in her late 30’s. Has two stepchildren. Knocked her up again. We don’t talk.

Tom—Married some chick in her late 30’s. Has two stepchildren. We don’t talk. (Are you noticing a trend?)

Rob—We’re friends but he wants to fuck me. He sent me a dozen red roses. Man, that pisses me off. I mean, if you’re going to send me flowers, fine. But at least take the time to figure out what kind of flowers I like. Everyone gets roses. Roses are cliché. Send me tulips instead. Yellow ones. I can’t fuck a guy that sends red roses.

Mike—We’re friends. In fact, he reads this page. One night, we went out to eat and he insisted on paying since I called him cheap on here. Mike! You have redeemed yourself. I don’t think you’re cheap anymore. And your dick is huge.

So are you single?

Sorry boys, I’m taken.

What kinds of things do you look for in a man?

Not you.

You just slam on models because you’re jealous, don’t you?

Yes, that’s exactly why I do it. Really.

If you are not embarrassed of your appearance, how come you never sent me your picture?

Most likely, because you are a filthy, stupid pig who doesn’t deserve to look at me. Believe or not, I give out my picture more than I let on. Even those that hate me with the fire of a thousand suns will admit that I look presentable. Don’t believe me? Ask around.

Did you every find out whose douche was in your bathroom cabinet?

No. Thank God. And I don’t talk to either girl anymore. Dirty sluts.

Will you post some more poetry?

I shit you not. Someone REALLY asked me this. I couldn’t believe anyone actually read poetry, let alone liked it. To tell the truth, I still can’t believe it. Fucking kiss ups.

What do you think about Lars Ulrich now that he has ruined Napster.

Lars is a piss drunk cock. He will rot in hell for what he’s done to Napster. Shawn Fanning, on the other hand, is my hero. I’d be Shawn Fanning’s groupie, if I could. I’d get down on my knees every night and suck his cock. Of course, I’d ‘borrow’ some of his cum, so I’d have something to spit in Mr. Ulrich’s face.

What kind of music do you listen to?

For some reason, I get asked this one a lot. I listen to everything (And I mean EVERYTHING) except country. For some strange reason, country music makes me feel oddly violent. Of course, it doesn’t count as ‘music’ unless the artists writes the song themselves and plays their own instruments. I’m sorry, but the Backstreet Boys are homos, not musicians.

Can I link to you?

Duh.

Do you have a banner?

No, but feel free to snag one of the graphics on my page and use those. Or make me something totally original. I couldn’t care less.

Will you link to me?

If I like your site and feel you deserve the exposure. But don’t get your hopes up. I’m picky.

When are you going to update?

How about when I fucking feel like it? If sporadic updates really bother you, join the goddamn mailing list.

I think you’re really cool, so I’m going to put you on my buddy list, nag you whenever I get a chance, and email you stupid jokes every day.

Save your time. If you really want to impress me, you’ll think of new and creative ways to whore my site out. Or you’ll send me gift certificates and/or cash. I accept both. And I’ll repay you with a hearty ‘THANK YOU.’ Depending on the dollar amount, I may just update my site. Just for you.



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