Holiday Cheer
by WHO on Oct-25-2000

Season’s Greeting, everyone!

It’s getting to be that special time of year again! Soon, the streets will run wet with the blood of our simultaneously bleeding hearts!

See that local Church? Well, for two whole months, it’s no longer a place of worship. That’s why there are so many people there now. It’s a grocery store. But not just any other grocery store. All the groceries are FREE here! Apparently, wearing Santa Clause sweatshirts is not enough to get some people in the true holiday mood. They are not happy until they are catering to people too lazy, stupid, and irresponsible to care for themselves.

Speaking of all those suckers people making up boxes and answering the phone, let me just make it clear that they are not getting paid. They are VOLENTEERING to work for FREE because you are so goddamn lazy that you won’t even work for money.

I take that back. ‘The Poor’ DO work for their free turkey, 20 cans of creamed corn, and box of instant mashed potatoes. They whine and cry and throw hissyfits worthy of Oscars. The truth is, these people don’t belong behind a counter somewhere working hard for an honest buck! They belong on stage somewhere acting and playing the violin. It’s not that they’re lazy. They’re just undiscovered!

Common excuses of the poor with complementary responses from WHO:

  • I can’t work to feed my five kids because childcare is too expensive and the government won’t help me. Also, my husband is in jail.

Well, you sound like a model parent, don’t you? Not only do you heedlessly birth five children you can’t afford, but also you also routinely expose them to a convicted criminal! Then you expect the government to pay for your mistakes! Sounds like you are guilty of child abuse and neglect, ma’am. Tell you what…instead of rewarding such despicable behavior with a free turkey, how about I drive on out to your apartment with a gun and a bullet. That way I can paint your section 8 walls with your handful of brains.

  • I got laid off from my current job and I can’t find another one.

Translation: you lazed around on your last job until they got sick of you chewing with your mouth open at lunchtime and stealing toilet paper out of all the restroom stalls.

Companies almost never ‘lay off’ hard workers. Instead, they axe the people they deem disposable. It’s easy to pick them out, too. It’s the person that shows up occasionally and does little else. It’s the fat guy with the obnoxious laugh that always has bits of caramel stuck in his beard. It’s the person that COSTS the company more money than he brings in with his ‘work.’ Instead of bitching about his sorry state, he should be glad that I wasn’t his employer. I would have tattooed ’sinfully lazy’ on his fucking forehead as part of his severance package.

Furthermore, the ‘I can’t find another job’ excuse never fails to make me laugh. Where I live, ‘Help Wanted’ signs line the street of fast food strip. Swallow your pride and get one; I did. Besides, where is your fucking pride when you’re at your local church begging for food?

  • I’m disabled. I have a bad back.

My fucking back hurts too, but I still manage to work. Why I should I bust my ass to pay taxes to cater to your aches and pains while I ignore my own? *Bang, bang* Survival of the fittest, baby.

  • I’m working, but I don’t make enough money for food!

That’s funny, how did you make enough money for that nice car that you drove over here? Obviously your priorities are a little off. Your poor judgment is not my problem.

My friend works at a supermarket and she sees this time and time again. People will come in dressed in nice cloths wearing jewelry that she couldn’t ever afford and pay with one of those food stamp cards.

Now, I ask you, is this irony? Or is it common American behavior?

I’m going with the latter. People no longer have the will or desire to work. The word ‘pride’ means nothing to them. “Why work for the things you have, when you can just sucker someone into giving it to you,” is the current mentality. The keyword here is: SUCKER.

Since it’s the holiday season, let’s picture these people roughing it out in the wilderness with all the other pilgrims from decades past. Here would be a typical conversation:

Pilgrim #1: I just got done building my house, farming my food, and tending to my animals. Boy, am I exhausted! But at least I got it done before the weather got cold.

Pilgrim #2: I can’t do any of that. I have a bad back.

Pilgrim #1: Sorry to hear that. Guess you’re going to be sleeping outside this winter. Well, I have to go help my wife churn the butter, bye!

Pilgrim #2: *Gathers up wood and starts building his fucking house*

Our forefathers had the right idea. A kick in the ass will help the poor more than all the donations in the world. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

If you were a needy person that read my article and was offended, I would think twice before you self-righteously send me hate mail. The first question I would ask you is: “How can you afford a $2000 computer when you can’t afford a $10 pumpkin pie?


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