Once Upon a Time
by WHO on Apr-3-2000

In a land far, far away, there lived a little girl called WHO. Not only was WHO the most beautiful in all the land, but she was extremely intelligent also. In fact, one day she was sitting in her garden curing cancer when a light shone over her with brilliant radiance. The heavens spoke:

“WHO, no one in the world is greater than you. Therefore, you shall rule the world. I’m not going to tell you how take control or how long it might take you, but I will bestow upon you this one, single hint: start with the Internet. An entire cyber world is at your disposal.”

“But who are you?,” WHO asked, amazed. Alas, it was too late. Both the light and the voice were gone.

After careful observation, WHO decided that she had either been in the presence of GOD, or she had put away one too many bottles of Vodka. No matter though; it was a good idea. And WHO was determined to pursue her destiny.

The next day, WHO set out on a rigorous journey to find the perfect host for her filthy propaganda. She settled with Geocities, as he claimed to be quick and reliable. Little did she know that Geocities was an evil sorcerer who was intent on ruling cyber land himself. While the lovely WHO slept peacefully, putrid Geocities would wave a magic wand over her propaganda. When she awoke, WHO would find that precious letters had disappeared making her look like a fool.

Now as we established before, our faithful heroine was no fool and it wasn’t long before she became suspicious of Geocities. Late the next night, she formulated and executed a plan. She feigned sleep and waited patiently for Geocities to act out his evil actions. It wasn’t long before Geocities revealed his magic wand and began searching for yet UN-butchered propaganda.

It also wasn’t long before he found it–next to the oven, where clever little WHO had left it. As he bent over her bandwidth and began chanting, WHO rushed him from behind and pushed him right into the oven. She then cranked it up to full power and grinned as Geocities screamed and howled in agony.

Mission accomplished, WHO stood in the center of the room and considered staying. However, the retched smell of burning flesh was far too much for her delicate nose to bear, so she packed up her propaganda and began a new search for a host that was good and pure of heart.

Soon, WHO came upon a woman named Xoom. After WHO described her sorry plight, Xoom promised that she would host her. Ecstatic, WHO began moving in. But before she could even finish unpacking, she found that she was in the midst of broken graphics, error messages, and slow load times. When WHO asked the Xoom what had happened, that nazi bitch claimed that she had put a spell on our heroine called ‘Censorship.’ With a snap of her bony fingers, Xoom’s army then threw WHO into the dungeon and promised her an eternal life of fire, torture, and damnation.

Things were looking pretty bleak for dear WHO. She almost gave up, but when the first tear fell from her pretty eye, she realized she was being a fucking baby and quit immediately. Instead, she decided to hold her faith. It was at this moment, that WHO noticed movement at the other end of dungeon. Interested, WHO got up to inspect. Lo and behold, a little white rabbit was digging it’s way up from the ground. WHO, a kind and generous soul, bent down to help the little white rabbit dig.

When the rabbit was finally free of the earth, he looked around and blinked amazed.

“Oh dear me!,” it exclaimed, “I am going to be late! I am going to be late for a very important date!”

WHO curiously inquired as to what event the little rabbit was going to be late for. The Rabbit exclaimed that he was supposed to be at a very important royal croquet game and if he was late, he would surely be beheaded.

“That’s no problem,” announced WHO, “I have discovered the secret of time travel!”

She shared the secret with the white rabbit and he was so grateful that he gave her a magical little biscuit as a reward. As they hugged in farewell, the rabbit tried to cop a cheap feel. WHO gave him a stern look, the rabbit blushed, and disappeared into the rabbit hole.

Soon after, that horrid witch Xoom appeared in the dungeon intent on torturing the secret of building a brilliant website from dear little WHO.

“There is no need for torture, Xoom,” crafty WHO explained, “The Secret lies inside this magic little biscuit and I will just give that too you!”

Now Xoom was not the brightest of villains, so without thinking twice, she snatched the biscuit from WHO’s delicate hands and gobbled the thing whole. Within seconds, Xoom had shrunk to the size of a small mouse.

Xoom immediately began begging for forgiveness, but WHO wasn’t buying that shit. With a ruthless stomp, WHO had squished Xoom beneath her spiked high heal. Freed from Xoom’s magical spell, Xoom’s nazi army once again became good and pure. They just felt horrible for what they’ve done, so in apology, they offered to build WHO her very own empire to do with as she pleased.

Thus, http://truthhurts.org was born. An empire made of platinum and jewels where WHO’s propaganda would be worshipped and loved for all eternity. An empire so vast and so powerful, that it overshadowed spells like ‘Censorship’ and ‘Political Correctness’ with the utmost of ease. An empire that would one day rule the world.

And in case you are wondering, yes, WHO did live happily ever after…


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