The Problem With Porn
by WHO on Mar-20-2000

I got a new roommate. With that new roommate, came a shiny new satellite dish. You all know what that means, don’t you? You guessed it! Free porn.

Yes, friends and neighbors, I am turning into a goddamn pervert. Not only has that vile satellite dish caused me to break my ‘No T.V’ rule, but it’s filling up hours upon hours of my time with clit rings, cum shots, and fake orgasms. Night after night, you can find me basking in the soft glow of my television engrossed in yet another episode of ‘Vulvaline: The Very Best in High Performance Pussy.’ It’s like a train wreck; I can’t look away. I watch in sick fascination.

The scary part is I’m starting to analyze the stuff.

Now I am well aware of the fact that the primary purchasers of porn are fat, balding, middle-aged men in loveless marriages or 18 year old virgin boys with pocket protectors and duck tape on their glasses. I realize that these two groups of individuals aren’t very picky. As long as they get to see a semi-nice rack, they are satisfied. Hell, they probably don’t even make it halfway through the movie without blowing their sticky loads into a bath towel. Obviously, the porn producers know this as well and figure there is absolutely no need for quality.

That’s just sad. I am willing to bet that if the directors put even a little bit of time and effort into their movies, they can reach a whole new genre of sex fiends. All it would take was some decent music and a touch of realism. And don’t worry, I do plan of going into specifics.

Porn could do without:

  • Voice-overs. This is extremely annoying. The woman is screaming like a banshee…yet…her mouth is closed. Ventriloquism has no place in pornography.
  • Cum shots. This is the part where I feel sorry for the guys. I mean, when they got into the biz, they probably had high hopes. They were most likely thinking to themselves, “Hey, I’m going to get paid to fuck a whole bunch of hot chicks! I’ve got it made!” Little did they know that they would spend the better part of their time jerking off on camera. It’s true. Even in the age of safe sex (Read: porn with condoms), the guy rarely gets to blow his load into anyone. After hours of hot, sweaty passion, he has to whip it out and spew all over the chicks face, boobs, ass, etc. Not only is this anticlimactic, but it’s incredibly disgusting to look at. I mean, they do STD tests, don’t they? Let the girl fucking swallow! Whatever happened to cleanliness?
  • That horrid porn music. (Bom-chicka-bom-bom) Think of how much better porn would be if we could listen to people fuck to ‘Light my fire.’ But nooooo, it’s got to be second-rate elevator music. What a turn-on!
  • Spit. All I have to say here is: Why? What in Gods name is so sexy about hocking a lugee on someone’s unmentionables? If some guy ever spit on my happy button, my knee would come up so fast and hard under his chin that he would end up biting the tip of his tongue off. Besides, if I’m not lubricating myself, he’s not doing it right. And does a guy really get turned on when he sees a wide-eyed slut bobbing on his dick complete with a cup of drool on her chin? Well, does he?
  • The entrance shot. You know what I’m talking about! The shot were it looks like the cameraman must be lying between their legs because the camera is right under the guys’ testicles. What is the purpose of this shot? Is it there to prove to the public that they’re actually fucking? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m guessing that the general public doesn’t sit around wondering to themselves, “I wonder if he’s really fucking her…?” OF COURSE HE IS FUCKING HER. IT’S A FUCKING PORNO! And isn’t that incredibly awkward for the actors? I know I’D have trouble getting into the action if some guy had shoved a camera right up my vagina.
  • Lesbian Porn. I’m not saying get rid of it. I’m just saying make it a little more believable. Contrary to popular masculine believe, most lesbians don’t sit around, double-fucking a huge dildo, as they lick their lips and blow kisses to the guy who is ’spying’ on them. It just doesn’t happen. I know; I’ve asked.
  • Cheesy plots. I’m sick of hearing this one: “You bad boy, you! You walked in on me changing! I’m horrified. So horrified, in fact, that I’m going to blow you until your eyes roll back into your head and then I’m going to let you fuck me up the ass! That should teach you a lesson!” *rolling eyes* Puh-lease! Is a little creativity too much to ask for?
  • Most female porn stars are hot. Most male porn stars look like a truck has hit them. This needs to be rectified.
  • As of now, that’s all I can think of. Strangely enough, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I’ve lost the urge to watch X-rated movies. I have been redeemed! I have been cleansed of my filthy thoughts! I am a whole new person!

I am so full of shit.



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