Pizza Boy Pickup
by WHO on Feb-10-2000

Lately, I haven’t been the most congenial of my friends. In fact, I’ve been downright depressing. Somewhere around February, I lost my taste for fun. I traded it in for an Enya CD and numerous pictures of sad clowns. In 4 short months I have gone from the life of the party, to ‘No, thank you. I’d rather sit home and wallow in my own self pity.’ My friends were getting frustrated.

So Saturday night, when Annie and Erin called me up asking, once again, if I wanted to do something, I decided it was time for a compromise.

“Hey, instead of getting drunk together and puking off balconies, how about you guys just come over here and watch some movies.”


“If you don’t want to come, it’s cool.” (I kind had my heart set on singing ballads in the bathtub anyway)

“Er…no…we’ll come. How about we rent movies and order a pizza?”

“Sure! We can talk about boys and do makeovers! It will be just like high school!”


“Erin…that was called ‘sarcasm.’”

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again.”

Surprisingly happy that I managed to escape the bar scene yet again, I changed into long, silk, utterly shapeless nightgown dubbed my ‘heifer nightgown,’ grabbed a couple of blankets, and headed downstairs to wait for the girls. They showed up and Annie headed straight for the phone to order the pizza. After placing the order and giving them my address, Annie made a special request:

“Hey…can you have some hot guy deliver it for us?”

Erin: “Yeah! Get them to send a hot guy over here!”

Annie (To the pizza guy): “Well, you sound pretty hot. How about you deliver it for us?”

Me: “Hey…ask him if he can stop by the grocery store and pick us up some ice cream. Tell them we tip big!”

Annie: “My friend said she would give you a blowjob if you stop by the grocery store and pick us up some ice cream….Ben & Jerry’s will be fine…sure…thanks!”

Me: “If you think for one second I’m blowing a pimple-faced pizza guy for ice cream, you are seriously out of your fucking mind!”

Annie: “But I promised him a blowjob!”

Me: “Well Erin will have to do it.”

Erin: “I will if he’s cute.”

Me: “Figures.”

Exactly 30 minutes later, the pizza guy is zealously ringing my doorbell with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a hard-on. Thankfully, no one brought up the promised blowjob. I still felt sorry for the poor sucker, so I gave him a hefty tip. After he left, we grabbed a slice of pie and popped in the movie. All was well.

An hour later, the doorbell rings. I got up (mid-movie) answered the door and came face-to-face with the pizza boy.

“Excuse me, but are you (Insert my full name here).”

I think: ‘Shit! Did that check bounce already ?
I say: “Um, yeah.”

“Can I see you outside for a minute?”

I think: ‘Oh my God, I hope he’s not here to collect that blowjob. Dammit Annie!’
I say: “Sure.”

“I just wanted to stop by and thank you personally for the big tip.”

I think: ‘Whew!’
I say: “Oh hey, It’s no problem. I mean, you did go to the grocery store for us. That is not part of your job description and it was awful nice of you.”

“What are you doing Monday night?”

I think: ‘huh?’
I say: “Work…why?”

“What time do you get off?”

I think: ?!?!?!?!
I say: “I don’t know…5ish.”

“After you get off work, maybe we can hang out or something.”

I think: “For the love of God, He’s asking me out!”
I say: “How about I give you my phone number and we can a chat a little on Monday first…”

“I already have your phone number.”

“Um…er…Ok. So call me Monday and we’ll talk a little and then decide what we’re going to do…?”

“Sounds good.”

After a uncomfortable silence, I was free to go back into my house and brag that I got hit on by the pizza guy even though I was wearing my heifer nightgown! Of course my friends had only one question:

“Are you going to go out with him?”

I don’t know; I kind of have mixed feelings on that. On one hand, I think I owe the boy a chance. I mean asking out a customer has got to be one of the ballsiest moves I have ever heard of! And I would be lying if I said I wasn’t flattered. On the other hand, I don’t know this guy. He could be a lunatic. Or he could be desperate. Maybe he asks out every girl he delivers a pizza too. So, I think for the moment I am going to remain undecided. Maybe he’ll call and be a total moron. Maybe he’ll call and I’ll fall in love with his wit and verve.

Maybe he won’t call at all.


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