Dateless
by WHO on Jan-20-2000

Ladies, tell me this hasn’t happened to you:

You’re at a social event of some sort and you look smashing. Across the crowded room you spot the sexiest man you have ever laid eyes on: Curly black hair, baby blue eyes, a tight little butt. Your eyes meet. Suddenly, he weathers through a crowd of sweaty overzealous bodies and boldly strikes up a conversation with you. You look down at his strong, masculine hands and immediately start chanting to yourself:

Just shut and fuck me–just shut up and fuck me–just shut up and fuck me

However, 10 minutes into the conversation that chant abruptly turns to:

Just shut up–Just shut up–Just shut up

And 15 minutes into the conversation you finally bring yourself to say (aloud):

“Excuse me, but I need to use the restroom.”

Sighing in relief, you make your way through the crowd. You spare one last look at ‘the guy’ and realize he looks like the hunchback of Notre Dame on crack.

This happens to me all of the time.

I used to consider myself fairly picky when it came to men. A man had to be honest, funny, trustworthy, ambitious, creative, empathetic, energetic, etc., just to get a date with me. Now I have only but two requirements for the male species:

1. He has to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation with me.
2. He has to have a dick. (I don’t even care if it’s a small one)

The sad part is, I know a ton of men that fit all of my dating qualifications. Most of my friends are guys…smart guys (I don’t hang out with morons) and I’d probably do any one of them. However, none of them want anything to do with me for the following reasons:

1. They’re currently attached.
2. They’re gay.
3. They just don’t think of me in ‘that way’.
4. All of the above.

Unfortunately for me, I’ve been forcibly thrust into the dating scene. And let me tell you the dating scene is SLOW. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. No one hitting on me! NO ONE!

Guys That Aren’t Hitting on Me

1. I am a geek. I hang out at the library FOR FUN. One day, I notice this adorably average looking guy working there. He always makes a big point of saying ‘hi’ when I come in. Sometimes, I’ll look up from my book and catch him staring at me. We smile at each other. And that’s it. Does he ever walk over with a towel and pretend to dust as he casually strikes up a conversation with me? Nope. Will he ever? Probably not.

2. There is this guy in my philosophy class. Once again, I catch HIM staring at ME. From that day forward, he is always conveniently sitting directly behind me and he laughs at every lame, philosophy joke I make. (Hey! YOU try making a joke about Anslem’s ontological argument!) Does he ever offer to get together with me after class and ’study’? Nada.

3. My friend, ‘Joe’ (That’s a fake name) is always telling me how attractive I am, how smart I am, how ’special’ I am. He drops by my house ‘just to say hi’ and cuddles up extra close to me on the couch as we watch a movie. Does he ever suggest we go out on a date? Nope. Does he even suddenly cup my chin in his hands and kiss me on the spur of the moment? Not a chance. Will he ever? Well, it’s been 4 years now, so I doubt it.

I look back on this little rant of mine, and I start to wonder if maybe I’m the one doing something wrong. I don’t think so. I put out all the right signals: I smile back and wink coyly, I brush my arm lightly up against them and whisper throatily in their ears, I casually mention my lack of plans on Saturday night. Nothing works. Maybe there is something wrong with me?

Maybe I’m ugly.

But if I was ugly, wouldn’t have someone told me by now? Wouldn’t I have been made fun of in school? Wouldn’t I have a long track record of repulsive guys as ex-boyfriends? None of this has happened to me! MOST of my ex’s have had typical good looks and I, myself have been repeatedly described as ‘cute’. I’m not saying I’m drop-dead gorgeous (because I’m not) and I’ll only date Brad Pitt look-a-likes because that’s not true. On the contrary, I would rather date a strictly average looking guy with an ounce of personality than an extremely attractive guy with the intelligence of a driveway rock.

I hate to admit it, but I have no ending words of wisdom. I suppose I’ll just concentrate on school, my job, this website and try to push the knowledge that I am currently suffering from one of the longest dry spells in history out of my mind. I’ll join a lot of extra curricular activities, I’ll have a lot of ‘girls nights out,’ and I’ll masturbate constantly. And late at night, while I’m lying naked in my bed, right before my eyes close and I blissfully enter dreamland, I’ll wonder to myself:

Maybe it’s because I’m such a bitch?



MORE THINGS FOR YOU TO DO

Browse the archives - You still have plenty to read. Get cracking.

Join the Forum - Club Hell is the #1 rated (by drunk Club Hell members) place on the entire Internet for discussing serious, funny, or just about any other topic you can think of. It's safe for work, unless you work somewhere where "fuck" can get you fired.