My Picture
by WHO on Dec-10-1999

First of all, if this was the first link on my site that you clicked, please leave now. You are a superficial, perverted, economical waste of a human life and I don’t want your grimy little presence stinking up my website. May I also suggest that you get into your car and run it straight into a fucking tree? That is probably the greatest contribution to society that you are capable of making, so do us all a favor.

For the rest of you, if you took the time to read through my site, came to the conclusion that I’m a pretty cool person and thereby became mildly curious as to what I look like, that’s fine. There is a short description of me on another page as well as an explanation as to why I won’t post my picture. In the words of the great Misanthropic Bitch, “I have a vagina and breasts…all else is irrelevant.”

Nothing pisses me off more that getting an IM or email that says nothing more than, “Do you have a pic?” I mean, what does it MATTER what I look like? Do outward appearances matter so much to you people that you can’t correspond with someone OVER THE COMPUTER unless you are physically attracted to them? Or maybe you are just out of masturbation material? Hoping I might send you a picture of me with my legs spread and the words ‘cum and get me’ written in magic marker on the insides of my thighs? If this is so, you are a SUPERFICIAL PERVERT! You make me sick…

Or maybe your intentions are a little purer than that. Maybe you are single, lonely, and looking for love. The dating scene is a little slow and you’re having trouble meeting women. You found my site and immediately realized that I’m funny, smart, and talented…just the kind of girl you’d like to take home to Mama. You’re hoping that we’ll exchange pics, become wildly attracted to each other, splurge on plane tickets, meet in person, fuck like bunny rabbits, and live happily ever after. Hey! It could happen!

Um, no it couldn’t. And if that’s what you are thinking, I have just one thing to say to you: GET A LIFE YOU PATHETIC FUCKING LOSER!! I’m not the surgeon general or anything, but I’m willing to bet that you’re chances of meeting a worthwhile chick greatly increase when you leave your computer desk. (No, you don’t have to send me money. That was FREE advice. Use it wisely)

Well anyway, I’ve been racking my brain and I’ve finally figured out the perfect solution to both our problems. If you email me asking for it, yes I will send you my picture. But after I send it, your screen name will be permanently blocked from my instant messenger and your buddy list and I will delete any mail you send me. So basically you have a choice: my stunning wit and intelligence…or my pic. My theory is that only morons will the pick the latter and I have no interest in corresponding with a moron.

And just to make sure that you all know that I am a TOTAL bitch, I have put another stipulation on my pic rule. Only about 1 in 10 of you will actually get a FULL pic of me. Most of you will get pictures of non-sexual parts of my body. (Ex: ear, elbow, and middle finger) And yes, if you get one of these rip-off pics, you are still blocked. If you are now whining to your computer screen, “But WHO, that’s not FAIR!” You’re right; it’s not fair. But LIFE is not fair, so get over it ya big baby! Besides, you don’t really think I’m the kind of person that caters to idiots and social rejects, do you?

As for your pic…I could give a fuck. If you want to send it, I’ll look. If you don’t, you can trust in the fact that I won’t stay up all night, losing sleep, thinking to myself, “What does Cyberjerk look like? I have to KNOW! Must. Have. Pic.”

Seriously guys…I have better things to do.


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