My Views On the Lil’ Darlings
by WHO on Dec-1-1999

In my 21 years of life, I have discovered only two types of children in this world and I hate one of them: Demon spawn. Everyone knows which kids are the Demon Spawn. Demon Spawn is the child in the fancy restaurant who is shrieking and throwing silverware because he can’t order chicken nuggets. Demon Spawn is the kid who walks behind you and purposely steps on the heels of your shoes. Demon Spawn is the one who SHOULD HAVE been taken to the vet and gassed in order to put the rest of the world out of the misery he most surely will create. If allowed to live, Demon Spawn will most likely grow up to either be on welfare, a politician, or a serial killer. Demon Spawn almost always produces more Demon Spawn. Demon Spawn’s parents should be FORCED into infertility because they are incompetent, abusive, and ignorant.

On the other hand, we have another group of children I have dubbed the ‘Little Adults’. Granted, Little Adults are still human children and therefore fuck up every once in awhile and wet their pants, but for the most part they are mannerly, well behaved, and smart. Because Little Adult’s are normally old souls, you can usually carry on an intelligent conversation with them. For example, I know a little girl who is now six years old. While most children her age are questioning the existence of Santa Clause, she is questioning the existence of God. One day she said to me, “WHO, I don’t know if I believe in God…it’s not like anyone has ever SEEN him before…why do people believe in things when the don’t know for sure if it’s real?” Six years old and already interested in metaphysics! She’s a beauty! I love kids like this. I love to talk to them. I love to play with them. I love them because the are bright, witty, and thought provoking. But most of all, I love them because I CAN ALWAYS SEND THEM HOME.

I, myself, will never breed. For one thing, I’d make a lousy mother. I’m selfish, plain and simple. I am not selfish with my money or belongings, but (most importantly) I am extremely selfish with my TIME. In short, I love my work, but I cherish my days off. Mothers never get a day off. Ever. NOT FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Just the thought of that makes my toes curl. I mean, I am the type of person that has times when I need to be completely alone…to think, to reflect, or to just stare at the ceiling and drool. If I was in one of my moods and I was interrupted by a whining voice, demanding, “MOM-MY! Jimmy pulled my hair again!!!”, I would be capable of child abuse.

Another reason I don’t want children is (let’s face it) they are one great, big hassle. If you want to go out, you have to find a baby-sitter. If you want a new outfit, you have to take into consideration that Megan needs new socks. If you want a sexy foreign sports car, you have to opt for the minivan so Mitchell’s soccer team can fit in the back. You have to make out a will, rigidly plan vacations, purchase life insurance, and save for multiple college education’s. Gone are all your carefree, spontaneous activities and frivolous spending techniques. Parenthood equals a huge responsibility and I am, in essence, and irresponsible person.

I am also not very verbal when it comes to my emotions. I tend to take for granted that the people I care about just KNOW that I love them. For example, my brother is the most important person in my life. I would die for him if I had to. However, I can count how many times I have told him I loved him on one hand. And I have never said it without following it up with a sarcastic remark of some sort. Kids not only need to be shown how much they are cared for, but they need to hear it too. Any offspring of mine stands a good chance of ending up spending thousands of dollars in therapy because I didn’t say ‘I love you’ enough. I would love any child I had too much to put them through that. Besides, I don’t need that kind of crap on my conscience.

Being a childcare provider has also given me ample opportunity to observe mothers and the lives they lead. I have learned that Mothers HAVE NO LIVES OUTSIDE THEIR KIDS. These women can sit for hours and talk about what their kids will and will not eat. (Ironically, they usually carry on these conversations while their poor, ignored children toddle around shoving shit in light sockets) Interests like politics, literature, and art are replaced by coupons, puke, and play-dates. If I were a mother, I would be bored shitless.

It is human nature to want to procreate. Most people have an innate desire to leave a living extension of themselves on this planet after they die to carry on the ol’ family name. However, just because we have an instinctive-based need to reproduce doesn’t mean we will make great parents. Just because someone has the physical capabilities to have a child doesn’t mean they deserve one. A child is not a ‘right’, it is a privilege and some people just don’t deserve said privilege. And since no one has the balls to step in and determine if we are qualified to be competent parents and then allow us to give birth, we have the moral obligation to logically make that determination ourselves. Unfortunately, most people fail to think logically about their job choice, let alone bringing another living person into this world. I refuse to be one of these people. I will not experiment with a living, breathing soul and inadvertently take the chance of screwing it up. Don’t feel sorry for me because my womb will remain barren. Applaud me for overcoming perhaps one of natures strongest biological urges for the good of the child.

One last note: If you are poor, and you have a child anyway, you are a CHILD ABUSER. Period. A child deserves to grow up secure in the knowledge that it will always have food, clothing, and a place to sleep. If you can’t provide this piece of mind, you are guilty of neglect and that baby should be taken from you. Love IS NOT enough! Love doesn’t put food on the table. Furthermore, it is not MY responsibility, as a taxpayer, to shell out money to your abusive, lazy ass. In other words, if those pants come down, you better have the money to pay the consequences. Rest assured, that if I were charge, I would have you beaten.

If you are one of those optimists who believe there is hope for society, take a walk through your local high school…you’ll change your mind.


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