Bring Back the Fat
by WHO on Nov-10-1999

My freshman year in college I insanely decided to take an art history course. The whole class consisted of some German chick showing slides of old paintings and sculptures while speaking in a monotone that no one could possibly understand because her accent was so incredibly bad. I didn’t learn a damn thing, but I DID notice something about all that artwork. All the chicks pictured had thick thighs and fat guts. In other words, they all had MY BODY. And here’s the kicker: back then those chicks were considered hot!!!

Because I was in class and in no position to masturbate, that got me thinking. If I had been born a couple decades ago, I would have been some sort of sex-goddess. I could have lived my life without being expected to starve myself in order to fit into a size ‘00′. My body type would have been socially accepted as normal and desirable. I WOULD HAVE RULED!

(Special note: If you are going to email me with words of wisdom such as, ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’, save your time. That kind of crap doesn’t get me laid. Also, my self-esteem is FINE. My thighs, however, are dimpled)


(Special note #2: I do stress the word ‘chubby’, NOT morbidly obese)

I agree 100% that society sets the standards on what is attractive in America. At the moment, society has dubbed anyone over 5′9 and under 100lbs ‘ideal’. Movies, advertisements, art, etc. all reflect this attitude. Because of this, women all over the world have been thrown into an utter state of panic where their entire days consist of: eating salad, throwing up, reading fashions magazines, throwing up, crying when they can’t find over a size ‘7′ in the department store, throwing up, giving up and eating a candy bar, throwing up. It’s an endless cycle.

I personally want to call each and every woman who has struggled with this (including myself) a dumbass. WE DID THIS TO OURSELVES! Who in the fuck do you think ’society’ is? US! WE, the consumers, set the standards of what is socially acceptable and WE have the power to change that at will!

“How do we do that,” you ask? My suggestion is to quit spending money on ANY form of entertainment featuring an abnormally thin woman. QUIT WATCHING Ally McBeal. DON’T BUY Celine Dion’s new C.D. REFUSE TO ATTEND any movie starring Gwenth Paltrow. Tell everyone: “I’ll buy a pair of Calvin Klein jeans when those models all sit down and eat cheeseburgers.” GET THOSE SKINNY BITCHES WHERE IT HURTS–THERE PURSES!!! Think about it…all the women you love to hate will be forced to gain weight or they will go bankrupt! After awhile, society (that’s us) will adopt a new theory of ‘perfection’. Like GOD, we will mold that image after ourselves.

Lest you think that this method of social conditioning is too radical, I urge to consider what you have to lose. At worst, you’ll miss a couple of good movies. (On the bright side, they could have been crappy movies) At best, this will all catch on and women all over the world will once again be able to eat cake without guilt. In fact, they will be desired and adored for it.

So come on everybody! Let’s all be trendsetters! Turn off the t.v, quit shelling out hard-earned bucks, start a support group (Hey! It works for a.a.), and pass this site along. Together, we can make a difference.

If this works, maybe I’ll take over the world.


Email this page to a friend - They'll like you if you do, unlike now when they just pretend to like you.

Browse the archives - You still have plenty to read. Get cracking.

Join the Forum - Club Hell is the #1 rated (by drunk Club Hell members) place on the entire Internet for discussing serious, funny, or just about any other topic you can think of. It's safe for work, unless you work somewhere where "fuck" can get you fired.

and I'll let you know when I update